Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A New Start...

I am publishing a very powerful mail that I wrote and I can't believe that I wrote or even had the courage to write it considering the confidence levels that I thought I had. This is truly an evidence of how I have broken that barrier and taken a step forward in life to really "Make a difference" to all the people around me including myself. Also for the reason it would help me get connected to what I want to do further, I found this to be the most suitable place to keep this mail.

Below is an e-mail that I authentically wrote to all my dearest friends at Robert Bosch on the next day after resigning, the 15th Mar'13.
Letter follows...

                                                                                                                          15.03.2013, Friday

Dear All,

I have always considered all of you as my very own and really great friends I’ve ever had. That is why I want you all to know this news as The 1st set of people besides the major stake holders from management.
You will be surprised to know that I have resigned from RBEI yesterday. Yes, you read it right! J
It is after some detailed discussions with Kowshik and having everyone’s consensus @ home(in-laws) that I made this move. I’m yet to inform my parents and other family members.

Motivation for the bold step –
1.    My MIL has been constantly telling us that it is hard for her to take care of Avani now.
2.    I WANT my MIL to really Live her life to the fullest atleast NOW and not be held up with Avani’s responsibility.
3.    I don’t get to help my in-laws @ home with ANY domestic work and that leaves me in guilt day-in day-out.
4.    Avani is totally incomplete about me leaving her and going to work and I’ve to deal with this Every single day.
5.    Distance from home to office is too much – lot of unproductive time in travel.
6.    Deficit hours at work – Trying to make up for point (2) and leaves me no where complete.
7.    Formative years for Avani which is critical for her development. So next 3 years is for Avani mainly.

I am complete about my choice and waiting to take a step forward in exploring “What is my passion and what I really want to do?” of’ course with all your support.
This means that I would be exploring different options from now such as –
1.    Cake baking – Be ready to order Yummy home-made cakes from me! :)
2.    Event management for theatre, adventure etc
3.    Butter paper work or Craft making company
4.    NGO support staff for Canadia trust - www.trustcanadia.org
5.    Art. Garlands etc making + Sales
6.    Another job if it works @ home in a different company
7.    CafĂ© in Cpt – Long term plan
8.    Responsible homemaker full-time
9.    Lecturing
10.  Support my cousin Kiran (if he is ok) in his handicrafts business in Bangalore.

You guys have been there through thick and thins of my life and it is unimaginable that I would not be in touch with you even after I quit Bosch for now.
Time will pass so fast that by the time we even realize we will be together again :)

Thanks for Being there always!
Lax.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

The Lightless O.T

This blog is dedicated to my sweet li’l daughter who is 10weeks old as of today. This blog is about my delivery experience at the operation theatre.
Jan 14th 2011 was supposed to be my last day at work before I went on long leave but I worked the next week as well till Jan 21st 2011. As per my plans, I stayed at my native for a week as I wanted to relax and feel the difference before and after the baby was born. So the weekly checkup before going home looked good and fine. My stay at my native was fabulous and I enjoyed every moment and the very experience of being with my parents. On my return to Bangalore on Jan 29th 2011, I had the next appointment which was a turning point and less anticipated. The scan reports showed that my Amniotic fluid level had gone down by almost 50% the previous value and that I needed to deliver me within maximum of a week’s time. This came as a surprise to all of us and mostly a shock to me than anyone. I was very scared and not willing to accept the fact of my delivery being pre-poned by more than 20days. I started to weep crazily outside the hospital with my hubby feeling helpless about the situation. It took me nearly 2hrs to recover from that shock and start my mental preparation towards the delivery. There were too many things hanging and incomplete and above all I was just not ready for the delivery. I kept reminding myself of the unpreparedness feeling that I went through just before my wedding and tried to calm myself but in vain.
So there were two things to be done finally since the D-day was so close.
1. Decide the delivery date 2. Complete all other planned work @ home and office.
One of the incomplete tasks was going to office for my data backup. By the evening of Jan 30th after all family discussions, we decided that I would get admitted on Feb 2nd, Wednesday evening for my induced delivery on Feb 3rd, Thursday. Both Sunday and Monday was driven by the ‘Nesting instinct’ and am sure people went mad at me at home. I even went to office on Monday to feel complete about whatever I wanted to do. As my tummy was not really protruding, I barely felt that I was going to deliver that soon.
It felt like ‘end of world’ although a lot of people had shared their experiences and no matter what, I just could not connect myself to reality. I was totally de-railed and in my own world… depressed and only making my hubby wrong that he cares only about the baby and not me. I didn’t know how to express myself completely and that made it worse.
My nesting instinct found its end only on Wednesday just before we left. We left home with 3 kit bags and 2 other bags like going for a holiday. J And my FIL was telling me that he has never seen anyone prepare so much before.
@ the Hospital:
We reached the hospital at 8.30PM. We were told to have a donor ready whose blood had to be tested that night. If the blood was tested and found ok then the donor had to be present during the delivery to donate blood if required. We had asked Shyam, my rakhi Brother . Shyam was with us till 11PM till we were all set and ok at the hospital. The next morning was critical and I got instructions from the nurses that I was to be ready by 5AM so that I could be induced at 5.30AM for the 1st dose of Cyto tab. By then, I was all prepared to get induced the next morning.
Feb 3rd 2011:
We were ready as instructed by 5.30AM. I was given the 1st dose of cyto tab i.e., 100mg tablet in 100ml water with 1st and 2nd doses being 20ml and 3rd dose if required being 50ml. I was given the 1st dose and monitored for 2hrs for pains. There was no sign of any pain.7.30AM was my 2nd dose but still that did not show much progress. So they proceeded to give me the 3rdrd dose, I started developing false pains; the pain would vanish with change in position. The whole day we kept waiting for the pains to progress but it just would not budge.Later that night, Dr. Shilpa informed me that they would induce me with the same Cyto tab the next day as there were slight pains. dose of 50ml at 9.30AM. With the 3
Once again, the wait started and I kept cool although my hubby did not. Poor guy, I guess he was all worried after all that had happened in the last 8.5months, conversations, disempowering thoughts and what not! I was barely worried coz I first of all did not know what a contraction was and when I saw it through CTG, I felt that I could tolerate/ bear the pains. Oh, how dumb could I be!?!? :)) That was less than a trailer.
Feb 4th 2011:
Same thing repeats even on Friday. I was given the 3rd dose for the 2nd time. This time the contractions were better i.e., at least they appeared in all positions unlike the previous day. I kept myself busy reading “What to expect when you are expecting”, a book that I read right through my delivery and still reading about the postpartum phase. I recommend all expecting parents to read this book.
At 11.30AM, Dr. Lingegowda came to talk to us about the status. He advised us to wait for the delivery to occur naturally as everything seemed ideal for the baby and it is only that I had to develop more constant and stable contractions. We were more than happy to hear what the doctor said since we felt that they were sincerely doing their job. The doctor also asked me to stay calm and relaxed and not get worried about why I am not developing contractions even after 6doses.So the conclusion was that I would be put on Cytocin IV the next morning @ 4.30AM. Cytocin is the name for the oxytocin hormone for uterine contractions. Through IV this definitely should induce labor.
Now finally we knew that no matter what, I would deliver on Feb 5th2011 as they would put me on IV. So, I had requested for an early breakfast which my MIL was sweet to prepare and send it with my hubby.She had sent me idlis for breakfast. My mom too arrived that evening but we asked her to stay with my elder sister Sowmya’s house as it would be restful for her before the stress begins.
I felt that I wouldn’t be given a bath after the delivery for at least 2days and so I badly needed a shower. I felt like it’s a function @ home, some big event and felt like having a grand shower. I was instructed to be ready and report to the nurses by 5.30AM on Feb 5th morning.
I still had couple of pages from the 9th month chapter to read and then the ‘labor and delivery’ chapter from the book. It felt like an exam for me to complete reading at least those two chapters before delivery. So I pled my hubby to allow me to read for at least 20mins before the next day while he was asleep as he was exhausted roaming to get us food and other things all day.
I rushed through some of the important information and pages and felt complete by midnight before I fell asleep.
Feb 5th 2011:
Alarm went off at 3.30AM. We quickly woke up; I had my long awaited breakfast… idlis! J Had a grand shower and we sat for 15mins of meditation that my FIL had taught me 2days ago. It felt really good and energizing. I was finally all set and ready at 5.30AM and went inside one of the rooms in the OT accompanied by my hubby. First 30mins was the CTG, a fetal monitoring mechanism which shows the fetal movements, fetal heart beat and my contractions in 3 different graphs.Following that, my hubby was sent out and I was given Enema, this will empty the stomach and the bowel in just 2-5mins. People with Constipation would truly appreciate this invention. ;D
I was then given cyto through IV even before I realized what was happening and before Kowshik came in. From 6.20AM on, it was continuous observation and monitoring. I was still only developing about 40%-50% contractions but unstable. I was to take only fluids and no solids from the time IV was given. So occasionally, I was given a mouthful of water or juice till about 9.30AM, 3hrs from the time IV was given.
It was a Saturday the 5th Feb 2011; 2.5 days since I was induced for labor and nothing great seemed to happen until 9.30AM. Dr. Lingegowda walked in to inform us (my hubby, my mom and myself) that I am progressing towards a Cesarean section and that they would have to get started may be by 11-ish after two other operations. I was already tensed about the whole “Delivery” thing. Given a chance, I wanted to just elope from there. I was in a state that I neither wanted a normal delivery because I got a hint about how severe labor pains could be and nor did I want a C-section because of its after effects and it being an operation. It was really funny and which I could not tell or explain anyone. J
After that, my hubby totally got busy informing concerned people about the change in delivery plan. By the time we all realized, it was already 10AM and IV with Cyto was stopped as there was no point in inducing pains and I was put on normal drips with absolutely no fluid intake till the next 24hrs.
Even before all of us realized, my mom and hubby were asked to wait out. The nurses started preparing for my operation. By 10.40AM, everything had to be kept ready for the anesthetist and Dr. Sudha came in on time to give me epidural. I was really pleading her to give it really slow as I extremely fear injections and syringes. The doctor told me that she was scared to give me looking at the way I was behaving. J Soon Dr. Vidyamani also joined Dr. Sudha and they were both doing something that I could not make out because they asked me to sleep like a baby in the womb.
It was 11AM sharp and the door room opened into the operation theatre.I was very anxious and scared to death about the operation. As soon as I was taken inside the OT, all I saw was more people, nurses, doctors and helpers-both male and female, typical OT head light on top is all I evidently remember. I was uncomfortable with the men being around but of course I had no choice and sayJ. My first expression as I entered the OT was…. “Oh my God! Bhayanakavagide setup” (Setup isscary) and all the people in there burst out laughing hearing my expression. Soon I was shifted to another cot for the operation and even before I could realize what was happening, my hands were tied.Then, I really started getting worried and seeing my own position on the bed, I was asking the doctors if they would tie my legs as well for which they were again laughing and said ‘No’. I guess the anesthesia was so quick that by 11.10AM the doctors were ready to begin the operation. Then my imagination was telling me that the OT light outside would be Red like in movies J and my people waiting out would know that I’m being operated. On one side, I saw Dr. Lingegowda with a big knife (if I am right) and Dr. Vidyamani on the other side with some other instrument. Within seconds, Dr. Lingegowda was already cutting through me and they got on to work with the other nurses injecting some solutions to the IV etc. After couple of minutes, I saw that both the doctors were digging in my abdomen opening and that really freaked me out. I guess although anesthesia was totally working, because of the fear I started to feel the pain virtually and I started asking them too many questions from then on. After I while, I got worried as it was actually hurting and told them so.
The whole scene was like this… I was lying on the Operation table with my hands tied. Dr. Lingegowda and Dr. Vidyamani on my rear end and Dr.Sudha just behind my head. During the operation, I wanted to calm myself from what I saw and experienced. Dr. Sudha, anesthetist in her late 50s I guess, with a very pleasant and charming face was at my rescue. I requested Dr. Sudha to keep looking at her as I found her pleasant and charming and it really soothed me. She was more than happy and said that in the past 2-3 decades people hadn’t really appreciated her looks. This invoked a very jovial conversation in the OT with the doctors chatting and operating on me. And so I started looking at Dr. Sudha and I guess I was given a sedative and I had fallen asleep for about 10-15mins. Then all I remember is the baby directly put on my face after it was just scrubbed. I was surprised, Happy and so much of mixed emotions that tears rolled from my eyes and I kissed the baby on her cheek and wished her “Happy Birthday”. I even thanked the doctors probably because I thought that I would die J.After that my eyes were only following wherever the baby was taken inside the OT and barely concentrated on the operation. I was totally drowsy and I could feel the doctors wrapping up the operation. By 11.40AM the whole operation was done and I was taken out of the OT where I lay sleeping and after some time, I could see some of my closest friends… Shyam, his wife Sudha and Sindhu waiting to come and talk to me.
On the outside of the OT, my hubby and my mom (my in-law parents were still on their way) kept waiting unaware of if my operation had started or not as there were 2 other operations before mine. By 11.25AM I guess, the pediatrician showed the baby to both of them saying that the baby was born at 11.17AM. Later, I heard from my hubby that he was hadn’t expected that the operation would get over that soon.
I was still drowsy and barely remember the events till I was shifted to the ward. My head seemed heavy and I just slept whether I wanted or not. I had imagined that I would have my baby right next to me soon after the delivery. But I was not in a position to move and so I could get to see the baby only after some hours after delivery but could not hold her. My mom and hubby mostly took care of the baby after she came to the ward. It felt really nice after all this with family and friends visiting us at the hospital right from Feb 5th till I got discharged on Feb 9th. Never imagined that things would go this wonderfully smooth and it was possible only with the support of family and friends. After all I had to just deliverJ; rest all was taken care of on its own.
Only after 2 days did I realize that there was no Red light outside the OTJ. Although I had been visiting the OT earlier nearly 20times, this had gone out of my notice.
It has been 2months and more than a week since Avani, my baby was born and it has just been a totally wonderful, fantastic, WOW experience to be a Mother. I just can’t imagine what I would have missed not being a Mother. One glaring lesson from this whole experience is that, all the time we are scared to see something bigger, better, unusual and to experience even greater things – Fear of losing what is already there for something even better and greater!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

All in a Day’s time

This is my first-ever blog or a memoir whatever you may term it as. I will call it both as it is my memoir of today’s experience and it is also a blog as I am have posted it online.
My day started with a lot of thoughts about what I should do next in my life. This thought has been killing me ever since I have resigned from my job 15days ago. I had thought enough about this matter and as I was not enjoying my work, I decided not to procrastinate further and resign from my job. I superficially checked out some options in my company itself before I resigned but I felt that nothing was of the kind I like. Now I feel that I might have as well taken some more time before I told my Manager. I also wanted to experience that state of uncertainty one will experience when a decision without a plan has been made. The future looked beautiful and promising that I can literally do anything I have been wishing for so long. I put my papers with the following options that interest me to work on such as event management, hospitality management, setting up my own business, doing my MBA, tailoring, arts & crafts, cooking, cake baking, dancing/ aerobics and working for a NGO.
As a week or so passed by, the insecurity feeling started bothering me in different forms even without my knowledge such as feeling low on energy, lazy, unable to wake up even after long hours of sleep, increase in grey hair, blaming friends, my husband and everyone. Basically, I did not realise that all these were the impact of being in the insecurity phase of uncertainty. Thanks to my hubby who made me realise this so that am able to actually work on the solution to the problem.
This morning too I only woke up when my hubby was almost ready to leave @ 7.45am disinterested about the day. My husband too pointed out that it’s high time that I actually decide on what I really want to do in my life. This has been probably the most awaited answer for me to know since at least 2-3yrs but I have started working on it rigorously only since past 2months or so.
I was further put down by what my husband said as I was already not all that enthusiastic about my day and this is the exact question that is bothering me day in and day out. Once again today, I started my inquiry and within 30minutes, I had this idea that I should probably go to either Art of Living or Taponagara to meditate so that I might realize something. I had to pick up my bike from office and so headed towards my office. As I rode from my office, I had this thought that instead of Art of Living, I must go to Bannerghatta National Park (BNP) as I only seen as a child and did not remember much except probably the entrance gate.
The road was pretty clear at 1315hrs. I found out that BNP is about 17-18kms from Jayadeva hospital. I was thrilled to know that it was not a very far distance to ride. I continued my inquiry into self as I rode. It was a joy ride for me to bunk office and no one except my Manager, not even my husband knew that I was on leave. It was a very strange and ecstatic feeling to go to BNP in hiding.
I reached BNP at 1350hrs and bought a ticket for ‘Grand Safari’ for 160bucks which includes the Zoo fee in it. I was feeling real good as I entered the zoo for I had never visited/ did sight-seeing alone after my wedding probably. I started off from the left-most cages where different owls were kept, followed by Toddy cats (dark skinned and thin animal about 2m in length). I saw a couple of Emus, which I probably only remembered until I played Name-Place-Animal-Thing game. Next to the Emus were quite in large numbers the Spotted dear and Black bucks. As I moved further from there, I sighted a Zebra which was very good to see but only one.
Moved on to see some Leopards(3 of them sleeping on the rocks), red-eared turtle, Indian Star tortoise, King Cobra(lots of them but not too huge in size)-for the first time I clearly saw the hook-mark on its skin, some other varieties of snakes, Iguana(just one small sized), 2 types of crocodiles, Langoors, Painted Storks, Pelicans and Great Hornbill(Amazing beautiful) – It is one of the largest that they have.
It was already 1500hrs and I decided to go for the safari as it lasts only until 4.30pm and every 15-20mins once. I was lucky to get a window seat at the end and I was the only one who was single in the whole queue. The safari started sharp at 1520hrs and I was sceptical from what I had heard that the safari is not very interesting and not many wild animals could be spotted. It was a thrilling experience as the safari started and it was only the spotted dear and black bucks. The van would not stop if there were any birds including peacock. I spotted a Peacock very close to the road. We then entered a caged gate and beside it read the words “Bear Safari”. We saw a huge number of bears all along the way. Next was the “Lion Safari”. Every time we entered that caged gates reminded me of Jurassic park. Oh, BTW they have in fact made these huge models of the dinosaur family in the beginning of the safari. Luckily (as I was thinking that I won’t be able to see any lions or tigers), we spotted around 5 lions and lionesses all together. It was great to see them. Then there was some hope and excitement. We moved further to “Tiger Safari” but could not spot any of them there. As we moved to the next one, it was the “White tiger Safari”. I realized that I had not liked or loved animals like this any time before this. As we entered we could see normal Tigers sitting, sleeping and in the pond. Then came the real excitement, I was able to see moving Tigers on one side and 2 white tigers on the side of my window. I can still get that video in my head about how huge and elegant they were. Each of its paws was about half a foot minimum. One of the two white tigers kept roaming all along the van and just did not go. It was a hair-raising moment (Romanchaka in Kannada) for me as I was slightly afraid and more than anything very happy and excited to have seen a Tiger that close. We were easily there for about 15-20minutes because the Tigers would not go away from the van and the gate could not be opened with them right behind us. As we moved further we saw many more Tigers and their cubs caged alongside the road. So I felt that my day was worth-while to have had an amazing experience and love for animals. The thrilling safari ended when we reached the “Butterfly Park”. I did not go there but later realized later that I must have gone.
I had carried a book that I wanted to read and so spent about 30mins reading amidst the nature. It was a great feeling! Then it was already quarter to 1700hrs and time for the zoo to close. So I quickly moved again to see if I had missed out something and realized that I hadn’t specifically been to the peacock cage. There was one peacock that stood right in front of me and I just could not stop admiring how pretty and beautiful it was. It had totally taken me into its colourful world. For the first time, I saw the patterns on its colourful body. Only then did I realize actually how beautiful the peacock is! As I kept enjoying its presence in front of me, it started flapping its wings and all of a sudden boom, it opened its feathers. What a beauty it was to watch that! I had the least bit of expectation that it would open its feathers. I felt proud about our National Bird until it started screeching. Its voice is not as melodious as its looks. Guess what?? When all this happened, I was the only one in front of the entire cage. People started to gather after they saw the opened feathers after a while. As all of us kept enjoying the sight of the peacock with full-spread feathers, it suddenly did a dance step to which all of us were amazed and happy. All of us were only exclaiming looking at the peacock dance. I kept wondering as to how long the peacock can open its feathers and stand... it must have been at least 5minutes continuously that the peacock stood that way in front of us. And then I saw the peacock slowly drop its feathers. I must say that this day has been the most wonderful and “the most Ecstatic” day in a long time. I got present to the fact that I am happy in presence of animals. I had never experienced such a feeling ever before for animals.
Meanwhile, I also got some more options to work on... Travel guide for Namma Bengaluru City tourists. I was totally taken by the fact that I will be creating a possibility for so many people to love their own city much better if they know the history of the places in Bengaluru. Who knows this might be “The Thing” that I am looking for.